I Have Been Outed

My cover has been blown.

I was at my WW meeting on Wednesday and the leader, who I only met last week, outed me to the group that I had lost over 100 pounds. If you know me, you know I'm not shy. I will blab my whole life story in about 3.5 seconds from meeting you. Obviously I write a blog where I share personal information so there isn't much to hide.

However, it has sort of been nice being anonymous in a WW meeting where nobody really knows me. It is no secret that I'm struggling right now. The hardest part of the struggle is the mental aspect. When somebody learns I have lost 130 pounds then I feel I need to explain that after three years of maintaining that I've now gained 25 pounds back. I don't know why after a year and a few months of being over my goal weight it is still easy to feel like I'm letting somebody down.

After I shared a bit with the group the young woman sitting next to me thanked me. She is a LT member that is returning after having a baby, who is now two years old. I spoke to her briefly after class, asked about her child, and told her “great job” for re-committing. I feel the LT members have just as much of a positive role in the WW meetings as those in weight loss mode. We can inspire and enourage even when we are struggling.

My thoughts lately are about coming to terms with where I am at, which is over my goal weight, and that it is an okay place to be. There is no shame in re-gain and there isn't any reason to feel bad about not being back at goal. I know I need to work harder to get to goal but I just don't think that is what I am mentally ready to do. Do I want the scale to go up more? No. Would I like the scale to come down quicker? Yes. Am I going to be okay if I can stay where I am at? I think so. I have been toting the line of 200 pounds for a few months and it is scary territory to be in. I like that I am able to say I lost over 100 pounds. I don't need to explain that I once lot 130 and now I have only lost 105. If you want to get technical I once lost 140 pounds. It wasn't a place I was able to maintain and/or it wasn't a place that I was wiling to kill myself to stay there.

The desire to be smaller will always enter my mind from time to time. I see a thin good looking woman and I do wish I was thinner. I miss when my clothes fit and looked better. I'm not sure when I'll fire up that drive and make a solid 100% effort weight loss again. I do know that I am tired of feeling like I am somehow less than because I am over my goal weight. Nobody specifically makes me feel that way. I think it just comes with the territory.

I am not the same person I was when I lost 130 pounds. I am also not the same person I was pre-WW. I am somewhere in between.