I wrote this blog post on our flight home from New
Mexico. I had been doing some
thinking/reflecting on body image and acceptance. Since returning from vacation I still have lots
of thoughts to share. In the meantime, I
do want to post what I wrote, even if my thinking has changed a little bit
since our return.
Where
does a person get their identity from? What makes your identity good or bad?
Can your identity change? Can it improve or can it deteriorate?
For the past eight years my identity has been wrapped up in weight loss and weight maintenance. Losing a large amount of weight has consumed a big part of my life. It is hard to know where to go from here. For many years I lived as a large person. There were positive parts of it and also negative parts of it. Sometimes it feels being heavier was easier. What I still can't understand is why is being heavy viewed as negative and being thin is viewed as positive? Our society tells us being fat is bad. While it is not good for our health, why is somebody that carries more weight seen as less attractive?
I have fallen into the trap of wrapping up my identity into a smaller package to try and appease society. Of course that isn't why I lost the weight but my decision to always be open and public a about it is sometimes difficult. Going down the scale and shrinking into a smaller size feels good. Heck, that was the fairly easy part. People compliment you. Men take notice when they didn't used to give you a second look. A whole new world of clothing options becomes available when you used to only have one tiny section in mostly ugly floral prints. Less = better. Or at least that is how you are made to feel.
What happens to your identity when your smaller package starts to increase in size? Those positive feelings suddenly seem overshadowed by negative ones. Am I back to being that poor fat girl who society said didn't matter before? My size dictates the type of person I am supposed to be? I used to be thin but I am not anymore so who am I really?
When I saw my cousin she complimented that I looked good. I thanked her and explained that since this was my first real venture down the scale, considering how much I lost, I am doing pretty good. I honestly feel that way. There is a bit of contentment admits those feelings of needing to lose weight to get back to goal. Some days I'm fine and others I feel like I should try harder or do more. I don't know who to identify with. I know 304 pound Lindsay and 175 pound Lindsay are the same person. That would mean that 200 pound Lindsay is also the same person. Some days it is hard to know which to identify with.
I don't miss being 304 pounds. I joined WW after a trip to Vegas where I almost couldn't buckle the seatbelt. As I write this blog post we are on the first leg of our flight home. The seatbelt on the plane buckles with ease and I don't spill over into the seat next to me. Surely 200 pound Lindsay is still better off than 304 pounds even though she isn't 175 pounds anymore.
Where does a person get their identity from?
For the past eight years my identity has been wrapped up in weight loss and weight maintenance. Losing a large amount of weight has consumed a big part of my life. It is hard to know where to go from here. For many years I lived as a large person. There were positive parts of it and also negative parts of it. Sometimes it feels being heavier was easier. What I still can't understand is why is being heavy viewed as negative and being thin is viewed as positive? Our society tells us being fat is bad. While it is not good for our health, why is somebody that carries more weight seen as less attractive?
I have fallen into the trap of wrapping up my identity into a smaller package to try and appease society. Of course that isn't why I lost the weight but my decision to always be open and public a about it is sometimes difficult. Going down the scale and shrinking into a smaller size feels good. Heck, that was the fairly easy part. People compliment you. Men take notice when they didn't used to give you a second look. A whole new world of clothing options becomes available when you used to only have one tiny section in mostly ugly floral prints. Less = better. Or at least that is how you are made to feel.
What happens to your identity when your smaller package starts to increase in size? Those positive feelings suddenly seem overshadowed by negative ones. Am I back to being that poor fat girl who society said didn't matter before? My size dictates the type of person I am supposed to be? I used to be thin but I am not anymore so who am I really?
When I saw my cousin she complimented that I looked good. I thanked her and explained that since this was my first real venture down the scale, considering how much I lost, I am doing pretty good. I honestly feel that way. There is a bit of contentment admits those feelings of needing to lose weight to get back to goal. Some days I'm fine and others I feel like I should try harder or do more. I don't know who to identify with. I know 304 pound Lindsay and 175 pound Lindsay are the same person. That would mean that 200 pound Lindsay is also the same person. Some days it is hard to know which to identify with.
I don't miss being 304 pounds. I joined WW after a trip to Vegas where I almost couldn't buckle the seatbelt. As I write this blog post we are on the first leg of our flight home. The seatbelt on the plane buckles with ease and I don't spill over into the seat next to me. Surely 200 pound Lindsay is still better off than 304 pounds even though she isn't 175 pounds anymore.
Where does a person get their identity from?
1 comment:
that sure ignites some thinking..
Thanks Lindsay for sharing and being so open with your journey, life and your thinkings...
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