Just Keep Swimming

I started off my bright shiny new year on a pretty good high note. This week at work has been slightly slower than last week and I was feeling more confident. I guess I was sort of just hoping to ride out this week so I could move along in my training to police radio next week.

Then a large three-alarm structure fire greeted me when I came to work early Saturday morning. I had the slightest feeling this would not be good for my last day of prescription fire dispatch training and was sure to test my room awareness which I've been struggling with. I tried really hard to be organized with the chaos that was going on and the first few hours of the morning went more smoothly than the next few hours. Minute by minute I started to see my successful passing of this phase of training slipping away. And sadly, I was correct. I didn't pass my prescription training and am going to be extended another two weeks of fire dispatch prescription training while I continue to work on my room awareness.

I'm a bit depressed. I honestly don't think my room awareness is as horrible as my trainer thinks it is. I know I possess the skills needed to do this job and I know that with time I can perfect said skills. In the meantime I am riding a fine line between having “experience” and being “new” and I don't really know which side of that line I need to be on. I often feel that I am given more than a regular new trainee would be given as I have experience and the drive and want to succeed. However, I am still very new at the world of 911 and fire dispatching that I often get overwhelmed very easily. I want to ask if I can take some items off my very full plate but I fear that will look like I am weak and cannot do this job. I know that if I was a “real partner” as far as dispatching side-by-side with my coworkers, I would be expected to do it all. The problem is right now I can't do it all. One day I will be able to do it all. I just need more time.

Just keep swimming.

I am going to be moved onto my next trainer for this extended two weeks of prescription training. I start back at work on Monday night as I'm rotating to the graveyard shift. I hope this new trainer and I can get into a good working grove and I can check off these two weeks and move onto my police radio dispatching phase. If I do well over the next two weeks, I'll stay with this trainer for another four weeks. If I don't do well, I fear I might be out of a job. Sadly the trainee that was hired at the same time as me was let go last week. It sure does put into perspective how difficult this type of job environment is. I'd be lying if I didn't say it makes me feel even more stressed. This is the first time I've been extended during a prescription training phase and that the extension is for the same thing I didn't conquer.

Just keep swimming.

My husband, family, and friends are all very supportive and are good at listening to me vent, cry, and spin my wheels on how I can do better. I'm not a quitter but at times that sure does sound like it would be a lot easier if I was. Everybody keeps telling me “if you can't do this job then I don't know who can.” I'm not sure why I am struggling so badly. I'm not sure why it feels so hard sometimes.

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming.