Well....here is what has been going on in my life over the last few days.
The honeymoon period with my new trainer Diana must have run its course over a few days because my shift on Wednesday night was a huge struggle. I had a 911 call of a man with a gun at the start of my shift and it did not go so well. I struggled with controlling my caller and getting the information I needed for the officers responding. I had a lot of trouble digging myself out of that hole and let a black cloud settle over the rest of my shift. By 9:30pm I took a break to call Kenyon as I was ready to walk out. I had mentally checked out and was having trouble controlling my tears. Honestly, the thoughts of quitting my job started during my Tuesday shift. I made a few other phone calls and tried to pull it together to through the end of my shift, which thankfully was only until midnight. I had three days off to do some serious thinking.
One of the calls I made was to my supervisor Beth who also oversees the training program. She was honest with me in saying that things won't get any easier from here on out and that I had to decide what would make me happy. I have always had support from my family, friends, and other NPD staff that felt I had the ability to do the job but suddenly I wasn't sure if I wanted to do the job anymore. I was having major flashbacks on how hard my 911 call taking phase was and how much stress and tears were involved. I also realized that after spending several weeks on day shift that I really like the ease of the day shift calls. Night shift is mostly high intensity and high priority calls. It just isn't my comfort zone.
On Thursday after only a few hours of sleep I reached out to Denise, the center manager at ISP. I didn't want it to feel like I was giving up and running back to ISP just because I had one really horrible shift. She was really great to talk to and very supportive. I had wanted to know what the possibility of reinstatement was, if they had any openings, and if ISP would take me back. She said they would gladly accept me back and after talking with both Denise and Lt. Haight, I knew that ISP is where I belong. Suddenly it felt like I was coming home. The stress I was feeling started to diminish. But, I still had to tell Nampa that 911 was not the right fit for me.
As the days started to pass I was more confident in my decision to quit Nampa and return to ISP. I have met so many wonderful people at Nampa PD and also loved what the agency was offering. However, bottom line is that I just didn't want to do 911 and I did not want to continue on this course with all the stress I've been feeling. I told the supervisor I would not be returning to complete my training and we have a meeting set on Monday to discuss the last 23 weeks. I also start back at ISP on Monday and I'll have a short training period to get back up to speed. I hope it will be like riding a bike and that I'll be able to jump right back in and roll with it.
I am really looking forward to consistency, knowing my schedule for the remainder of the year, and going back to being a regular dispatcher. I've been a trainee for so long now I just need a break. I need less stress, less tears, and less sleepless nights. I can't thank Kenyon enough for being so supportive in all the ins/outs of what changing jobs meant and now changing jobs again. He was wonderful this weekend and really is my rock.
So, on Monday we wipe the slate clean and take control of my life again. I've felt helpless for the last five months and finally I get to regain control.
I'm excited for this next chapter. It is funny because 10 years ago I was hired at ISP in the month of January. After a five month hiatus, I am being re-hired again in the month of January. I'll take the lessons I've learned and continue to move forward.