Caution: Negative Thoughts Ahead

When I packed up my closet of clothes in our old house, I made a goal for myself to lose some girth so I can fit into those clothes again.  If not, well then I have to get rid of them.  It has officially been about a month since I packed up those clothes and sadly I am not any closer to meeting my goal.

 

**Have you ever looked at the images “facepalm” on Google? Hilarious!**

May was a very busy month.  I am going to make June more low key and actually relax on some days off.  I am also going to make June the month that I jump back into healthy living and activity.  I know I am feeling the void of my weekly WW meeting and the connection to the program it provided me with in the past.  I would like to find a meeting where I can be semi-anonymous and create the feeling of being a new member.  I had hoped to attend the Tuesday evening meeting in Caldwell, however, that is the best day to work overtime so I can spend my other two days off with Kenyon.  I’m not out of options and will plan to attend the Thursday evening meeting in Nampa.  The leader is Natalie, whom I love, so I can’t be really anonymous.  But, it should be a nice dose of support.

I had a lot of time to talk with my girlfriends during our Walla Walla trip about weight loss, weight gain, and all that stuff in between.  I was telling Dawny that I sometimes feel like my time so far with WW is split in two categories: my late 20s and my early 30s.

When I think back to starting out my WW journey, I was in my 20’s and full of life.  I was really committed to weight loss and changing my life.  I was energized and spent many hours at the gym and went walking all the time.

Now that I am in my late 30s, I feel like my priorities have shifted.  I love spending time with my husband, traveling, and social gatherings with my girlfriends.  Since my back issues started in August of 2013, I don’t feel as energized as I once did.  I’m not as committed to being active.  Having to be as strict with myself like I was when I first stated WW feels exhausting. 

It is clear I have put on a lot of weight these past few months and it can’t be ignored.  Seeing the photos from our Walla Walla trip makes me sad.  I used to be able to look at a photo of myself and like what I see.  Now, a bunch of negative thoughts come flooding into my brain.  It isn’t a good feeling.  Not to mention all the negative thoughts that comes when putting on ill-fitting clothes.  I’ve been struggling with this since Christmas.  When I have a large family gathering (such as the many upcoming graduation parties these next few weeks) I find myself wishing I had not put on so much weight.  On the day I know I am seeing family, I suddenly feel like I should have done more sooner.  I am wishing that I could turn back the clock and make different decisions next time.  But, we all know that life doesn’t work that way.  You can’t go back and erase your mistakes.

There isn’t any way to pretend that weight gain doesn’t sting and no way to make it look pretty.  You can’t wrap it up and put a bow on it.  You can’t top it with a cherry.  It is just a bunch of negative feelings I can’t escape.  I feel like a prisoner in my own body and that I can’t outrun the bad food choices I continue to make. 

I’m sorry this post is no negative.  That seems to be where my head is living these days.