I had a good (ugly) cry at my WW meeting today. I was very theraputic and my WW meeting is a safe place to let that all out. The leader hugged me and everybody was very supportive. There was even a nun in our meeting, a new member in our group.
I've been pretty emotional since Friday. What set it all off was clothes shopping. I suppose you could say I've come full circle. After I lost 130 pounds clothing shopping became very overwhelming. I had not had such a large amount of clothes available to me in a very long time. I loved that I could fit into a size 12/14 and a size M/L and that there was so many cute styles. I didn't know what fit my body and struggled when I was shopping. Eventually I stopped taking in two sizes into the dressing room (the one I really needed and the one size larger that I thought I needed). I dressed in more form fitting clothes and I no longer wanted to hide under baggy shirts. I had a closet full of cute clothes and no worry that it wouldn't fit from year to year and season to season.
Clothes shopping on Friday was not so carefree. Once again it is overwhelming. I don't fit into a size 12 anymore and size 14 is hit and miss. I really am a size 16 and a size XL now. It is hard to stomach (literally as my stomach is the issue here) and very frustrating. When I do try on clothes they don't really look good. I zone right in on my muffin top and overhang. I now want to hide behind baggy clothes or find shirts that are more “flow-y” and less tight. The dress department at JC Penney sits right next to the plus size department. I kept looking over there thinking “this can't be it again. This can't be where I am at and what it has come to. I can't be at a point where I am shopping in the plus size clothing department again.” Clothes shopping isn't fun anymore.
Needless to say I have been in a pretty bad funk since Friday. I met Mom on Saturday and we went to Kohl's where I found some work slacks in a size 16 that have some give to the waist. I do hope better fitting clothes (i.e. better looking clothes) will make me feel better. I've still not found many tops though as this season seems to be a lot of sleeveless. It wasn't until I was at the mall again today realizing that I'm trying to hide my body where I once took pride in it.
I've blogged before that living in the in-between is difficult. Those negative thoughts of not being at goal taunt me. It was suggested today in my meeting that I change my focus to better fitting clothes. Since this seems to be what is causing my perma-bad-mood that sounds like a good idea. I will push past this. I always do.
Besides the clothing issue my back has been hurting really bad since last Saturday. I am not sleeping well and I am tired all the time. I have no desire to exercise. I kept my food on track up until Friday and despite having a few days of interesting food choices I had a loss of 0.4 pounds today at the WW scale. I am happy the alternative didn't happen and I ended up with a huge gain. That surely would have been the icing on the cake, which would have tasted horrible instead of delicious wonderful icing.
I went back to PT today. It was a difficult decision since it costs a small fortune. I feel better with PT and I know after this last week that my hips are once again out of alignment. I did too much last Saturday at the 150th Celebration and my body reverted back to its comfort zone, which is very uncomfortable for me. I hope with some additional PT visits, keeping up with it at home, and getting back into exercise again will help.
I'll get past this. It is great to have such a nice support network between the WW leaders, members, and my online WW buddies. We are all human. We all struggle. It isn't a matter of if you will struggle but when you will struggle. It is all a part of the journey and when we come out the other side, perhaps battered and bruised, we learn that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
Thanks for letting me share.