Mental Breakdown

This has been a rough week that has exhausted every bone in my body and tested every bit of my patience. I’ll be happy to see the weekend start…as soon as I complete my six- hour shift tonight.

Sunday was brutal. For some reason my confidence level was really low and I was struggling bad. My trainer picked up on this and commented it in my evaluation at the end of our shift. This seemed to open the flood gates of uncontrolled fits of crying. Could. Not. Stop. Crying. I was feeling everything from frustration for not picking up the job nature faster to embarrassment for looking so stupid most of the time. It was the first time the thoughts of quitting actually ran through my mind. I had serious doubts I was ever going to figure out how to take a 911 call properly.

side note: no food was harmed (i.e. consumed) during this mental breakdown

I had quite the pity party on Sunday night and my anger and frustration fueled a pretty intense workout. I went to bed still feeling lost and woke up Monday afternoon with a massive headache. I told Kenyon I didn’t want to go to work and proceeded to start crying again as I explained to him how much of a failure I was. I am very lucky to have such a supportive spouse as Kenyon told me he had faith in me that I can do this job. I got dressed and headed to work.

My friend Jamie and I exchanged a few text messages before I left the house and she called me just as I pulled into the parking garage at work. Talking with her about my thought process over the last 24 hours had fresh tears in my eyes and me making ugly crying noises from my mouth (damn you hormones). I had managed to pull myself together to walk into work avoiding eye contact so nobody saw the red tint to my eyes. I was just about to go out onto the dispatch floor when the supervisor Beth asks to talk to me.

If you are still reading this long story I am sure you can guess what happened next. Yep, I cried even more. I am surprised I had anything left in me. Beth was very encouraging and listened to all that had been said to my friends/family but not actually to anybody within the department. She told me that she didn’t want to see me go but that it always should come down to me being happy. I told her that I am not a quitter and that it would be silly to quit before I even got a chance to talk on the radio. We talked about working on my confidence and believing that I can do this job. It will be hard and the program is designed to come in small “bites” so it is more manageable. She also said it will get better but then adding something new means it will get bad again. It is just part of learning. I once again pulled myself together to start my 12-hour shift. During my first break I opened my locker and saw this elephant photo with some words of encouragement inside.

It really made my day. I am glad I had a talk with Beth. My Monday shift went better. It was a slow night with few calls but I felt it went well. My 12-hour shift on Tuesday also went well. I’ve been talking to my trainer on the things I am to be working on. I will admit, I still struggle with her abrupt nature, impatience, and sometimes the tone of voice she uses to talk to me. However, I am working at being less sensitive to it. This is a BIG task in itself.

My friends, family, ISP coworkers, and NPD coworkers are all very encouraging. It is nice to have so many people in my corner rallying for me to not give up. When I woke up yesterday afternoon Jamie left me a text message that she got me a Dutch Bros coffee and left it outside my door along with some bread from Great Harvest. When I called to thank her she said the broista at Dutch Bros didn’t even charge her for my drink when he heard about my struggles with the new job. I also go an email from Jamie’s husband Kevin talking about his struggles when he was forced to change jobs because of layoffs at his company.

We all struggle with all different aspect of life. Whether it be medical, weight loss, new job, school, etc remember you are never in it alone. I need to work on my confidence and continue to tell myself that I CAN do this job.


Amy B. said...

If you believe you can, you will! And you can do it :D It's just because you care about doing a good job that you feel like you're not progressing fast enough.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am also sorry that your supervisor had to comment on your lack of confidence. It's times like those we need to depend, by the grace of God, on others to help pull us through and help make us stronger.

You WILL see this through. You WILL do well. Hang on and hang in there. I am so so sorry you had to go through all of this. You are fortunate to have a great husband, family and friends. Just keep going. You will come through this o.k.

Please come back to the WW boards. I never comment on Maintenance because I have so far to go, but I love reading the Maintenance posts. I learn more from those who have been there and are still doing it, struggling or not. Also, I notice the Maintenance boards are kind, not snarky like some of the other forums. I hope to be on Maintenance by the end of 2016.

You will do fine on your job.