I got the official word at work last night that I won't be passing my Phase 2 training phase. In order to pass you have to have four days of evaluation scores of 3 or higher. I've not gotten a 3 on most of the call taking scoring items at all this phase. My trainer told me on Sunday that I was to work on controlling my callers. That appears to be my struggle right now. Despite feeling like Monday went better we had a bit of a heated discussion about my training, to which I teared up. I seem to be doing that a lot these days. It is embarrassing to see "emotional" show up in your evaluation.
I got to work yesterday and was told I would be taken off the console and would be riding with an officer and that today I would also not be working the console. I talked with the supervisor that told me I would be going to what they call prescription training. It is where you go to a new trainer and they focus on the area that is causing you the most trouble. They try to take out all the other components and zone in on just that issue. I'll find out later today which trainer I'll be moving to. I am mostly worried it will mess with the Vegas plans we have set up in two weeks. I think I should end up with a trainer that has the same days off as I as expecting to be in two weeks.
The positive out of all of this is that I will get a new trainer. I have really struggled these last five weeks with my current trainer. It is really hard to talk to her and often times I am frustrated and want to cry or start crying when we do try to talk. I had the fear that my evaluation from Monday would say I was argumentative or defiant, which it did say that, as well as her saying I was placing blame on her. NOT GOOD! The supervisor said that she feels me showing that I want to do better is a good thing and that if I was being rude or dismissive instead that would be a red flag. I do want to get better. I do want to succeed in this job. Training is tough stuff!
So, in a nutshell, work has not been going well. I suspect they pulled me from the dispatch floor last night and again today to eliminate any further hostile working conditions. I apologized to my trainer last night after reading that she felt blamed. I told her I wasn't placing blame on anybody but myself. She told me to stop apologizing. I don't get her! Sadly, I have to go back to her later in my training for police dispatch. Hopefully I have perfected my call taking skills by then and we can focus on the new stuff I am to be learning at that time.
I'm still confident that I want to do this job and with time I will prefect my skills. The hard part to stomach is that when I first started with NPD it was new and exciting and I was really happy. The last few weeks have felt like a dark cloud is hanging over my head. I'll be happy for our massage appointments on Friday so I can get my shoulder worked on. They have been extra tight and sore for weeks.
Making a life change is hard. I know that when things are hard that is when we push more to overcome and in doing so can continue to grow. I'm working on being more confident, controlling my callers better, and consistency. I call it my three C's. I just need to stay focused.