Hitting Rock Bottom

I went to the mall yesterday after work to try on some clothes and spend a $10 off coupon I had at JC Penney’s.  Of course nothing really fits or looks good so I instantly became flooded with thoughts of why can’t I just be skinny?  I kept spotting people at the mall and would think to myself how lucky they must have it.  Why can’t it just be easy?  Why didn’t I work harder to keep myself at goal?  How could I have been so stupid to gain a good chuck of the weight back?

I’m pretty sure I’ve officially hit rock bottom. 


So, how do you begin to pull yourself back out of the slump?  That drive was there several years ago so why can’t I seem to draw it back out?  It wasn’t easy the first time so I can’t seem to figure out why I think it will be any easier the second time.  I start each day thinking this day will be different only to succumb to poor eating and an over abundance of sweets.  It should be so easy…I know what I need to do.  And yet each day I don’t DO IT.  It makes me think back to Katie’s blogpost about how you need to quit saying you will do something and just “get it over with”.


I don’t really follow Heather and her Half Size Me blog/podcasts like I once did.  I think most of it is because I’m jealous she is having such smashing success.  After all, weight loss and maintenance is her life and when you are making that a priority you will see positive results.  She shared some photos on her FB page after an outing with her kids at the roller skating rink.  She said something that has stuck with me.  “Yesterday reminded me of a very big and important reason as to why I worked so hard to lose 170 pounds and to now be keeping up with my healthy lifestyle and habits.  I want to be free.  Never to feel imprisoned in my body.” 

That is a very powerful statement.  I know I’ve been feeling imprisoned in my body for a few years now.  It started back in August 2013 when my back problems started and I couldn’t continue with the high intensity aerobics that had been such a big part of my life.  As I continue to gain weight I feel even more imprisoned.  The bigger I get the less active I become and the more I seem to struggle.  I feel fat everywhere all the time.  It is always on my mind and I feel like I can never escape it.  I hate this feeling.

I really do feel I am at my lowest possible level.  I just can’t seem to get myself out of this slump I am in.


Roxanne said...

Lindsay, I have been watching you struggle. I am suggesting sincerely that you consider seeing a therapist to help you answer these questions and get going in a positive direction and stop sabotaging yourself. Secondly, and I know you know this, you cannot continue to eat out as often as you do and lose weight. Have you considered a meal delivery program such as Blue Apron or Hello Fresh? Roxanne

Amy B. said...

One thing that comforts me (despite having regained a bit of weight too) is that I lost it without exercising much, that was just a bonus. I believe the results mostly came from controlling my eating. I hope that makes you feel better about your back issues. I have heard of an interesting book recently called "Always Hungry". I haven't read it yet but the premise is that we are not lazy because we are fat, but we feel lethargic because we are getting fat (due to the hormone imbalance created by eating poorly). I find this quite empowering because it means we can start the next day fresh, take control of our eating and see results in how we feel that will eventually be reflected in how we look. I think I will pick up the book. Maybe you just need to read a book like that to get you fired up again? You did it once (me too!), we can do it again.

Dawny said...

Hugs to you lady Lindsay.
Never an easy place to be, so many questions, no easy answers.
Hoping you find inner strength to accompany all of your wisdom.
Very positive findings that your aware. That your not trying to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it's just not there.
Stay strong & true to you lady friend.